What’s The Best Way For Grandparents To Handle A Divorce?

In the case of a divorce, the grandparents are the last thing on everyone’s mind. But how does divorce affect grandparents socially and emotionally? We Take A Look.

Deepa Rao*, a 70-year-old homemaker, remembers the night her daughter called her to say she had had enough of her 16-year-old marriage and wanted to walk away from her emotionally abusive husband. “My mind went blank for a long time. I just listened to my daughter vent out her unhappiness. The next day, the reality of the situation sank in and I felt so depressed and didn’t know where or whom to turn to.” Luckily for Mrs. Rao, many relatives pitched in to help her and her daughter and most importantly, lent her a non-judgemental shoulder to cry on.

But not many seniors in similar situations are that lucky. In India and in many other parts of the world, when a couple decides to separate, the focus is mostly on them and their children. Rarely does the spotlight include the equally stressed and often scared older generation, who are dealing with trauma as well. While the divorcing couple and their children are offered professional counselling services, the grandparents have no choice but to turn to their community or relatives in order to help absorb the shock.

Dr. Tania Roy, a Psychiatric Social Worker in Bangalore’s National Institute of Mental Health and Neuro Sciences (NIMHANS) says that in reality, divorce affects at least three generations. There is still a stigma attached to divorce and sadly, in her line of duty, she interacts with many divorcing couples who are ordered by courts to go for Family Counselling. But ‘family’ does not include the senior citizens who are often equally invested.

The elderly parents, in order to cope, revert to doing what they have always done: protecting their child. “At an emotional level, the feeling of wanting to protect their divorcing child kicks in. Often, this results in them taking sides, (sometimes) bad-mouthing the spouse or over-protecting the grandchildren. Boundaries get diffused and just when some are ready to enjoy their twilight years in the role of grandparents, they have to again revert to parenting their 20, 30 or even 40-year-old children,” says Dr. Roy.

Gousalya Siva, a third generation Malaysian, moved to the US after her marriage. But when her marriage spiralled out of control, she decided to relocate to Malaysia with her two daughters and pick up where she left off. “My parents cried a lot to see my life broken,” she says. But in the course of 11 years, she, and not professional counsellors helped them understand her choices and get through the dark days.

Samia Sharief, another divorcee, says her parent became mute spectators to her unfolding problems. It was only through Samia’s and her brother’s support that they were able to deal with reality.

Analysing the situation, Dr. Roy feels that one of the reasons there is a tense situation around the issue of divorce and counselling for all affected parties is that divorce is still not accepted by many people. There is a stigma attached. Couples are advised to ‘adjust’ or ‘forgive and forget’ for the sake of children and society. “Some families even in urban settings have a lot of their worth based on social ties. ‘We-adjusted-so-why-can’t-you-adjust’ is often their reasoning.” says Dr. Roy.

As silent spectators to the unravelling of a marital bond, the elderly may end up suffering from varying degrees of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), depression, disturbed sleep, panic attacks and in some cases, the onset of stress-induced diabetes and fluctuations in blood pressure. The thought of legal fees, court appearances, the draining of financial resources all contribute to physical, mental and emotional damages.

Vandana Suri, a member of a Bangalore-based support group for single parents says, “I don’t think they (the elders) even realize they need it (counselling / professional support). Forget going out and seeking it.”

Many professional counsellors this reporter reached out to feel that grandparents, as a generational segment have not been tapped. Many of that generation do not see the benefit of counselling even if they were asked to come. Divorcing couples, in a bid to ‘protect’ their parents make excuses for their parents not to turn up for counselling sessions. Even for a professional to reach out to the older generation, the family has to be open to it otherwise counselling cannot work.

In foreign countries, because divorce is not a taboo subject, there are usually less emotions surrounding a marriage breakdown. In general, legal protocols are strictly enforced/followed and shared parenting is the norm, where parents have equal access to the children and courts are enlightened enough to understand that a child needs both parents in their life. But sadly, the law does not see grandparents as part of the same equation unless one or both divorced parents dies. In USA, the law regarding rights of a grandparent to access their grandchild(ren) is more complicated and differs from state to state.

According to Kumar Jahgirdar, founder and president of the Bangalore-based NGO – Children’s Rights Initiative for Shared Parenting (CRISP)- family law in India is heavily biased against the father. Since he gets fewer visitation rights, paternal grandparents are the ones who miss out on bonding with the children. He feels that the human rights aspect of the grandparents in a divorce situation are denied. CRISP has helped nearly 7,000 fathers get equal visitation rights as the mother, which means that many more paternal grandparents get to see their grandchildren.

The winds of change may be blowing slowly but many senior citizens can take comfort in the fact they are now blowing in the right direction.

*name changed to protect the identity.